im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Randomize
