I'm going to jail i love you
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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