I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
