She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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