i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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