she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
