Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
