so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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