be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
