One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
