i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
