I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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