Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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