She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
