You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
