she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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