im holly from the hills drunk
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
