I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
