And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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