did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
