I smell stomach acid.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
