Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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