There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
