I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
