highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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