my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Randomize
