You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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