I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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