my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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