Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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