No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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