I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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