I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
