Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
