my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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