You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
