theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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