my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
