I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
