sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
