I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
