Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
