Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
