This is not my ceiling
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
