i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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