Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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