i need an iv and a liver transplant
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
