Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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