There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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