Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
