I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
